I am still feeling mildly stabby - not murdery though, which is a good thing. I have some plant-based progesterone cream I put on my arms or chest on day 12 of my cycle and continue once in the morning and once at night until I start. The depression and the urge toward homicidal tendencies (sounds like a band name) is said to be due to a drop in progesterone in the latter part of a woman's cycle. I started this in February and have used it each month. This month I decided to see if it was working so I did not start on Tuesday as I should have. Big mistake. It really does work because I by the late morning I was feeling really really REALLY agitated and hormonal. I ate a Kit Kat and a Snickers bar. While it helped to calm me some it didn't do the trick. I do not believe my co-workers realize how much I have to force myself to keep myself in check. When I feel this way it is a struggle to just to get through the day. As soon as I got home I put the cream on and I started the morning/night regimen the next day. It took a few days and I feel a little less stabby. So, I will not be discontinuing the cream any time soon.
Depression kicked in as well but subsided with the agitation. In the past I have increased my generic Prozac but I didn't this time. The cream helps with that as well.
I am still following the vegan program. I originally started it because peri-menopause brought with it stomach distress and increased lactose intolerance. Today I stuck with it 100%. Most days I do but I did buy some fried chicken when I was at my lowest on Tuesday. I was craving the chicken so bad. Luckily it was good but not THAT good so I know I can do without. I also bought some vegan Boca vegan burgers and they are actually good. I put them on Everything thin-sliced bagels (which to my delight are vegan) and they are sooo good. I also got Bush's vegetarian beans (which are also vegan) and are really tasty. Chocolate soy ice cream is delicious as well. I have been researching recipes and vegan sustitutes -- I am looking forward to discovering and creating delicious meals.
I am not as focused to write today so it's a little disjointed as I try to include all my thoughts. As time goes on I will revise better and be more organized in my presentation. i just want to get my thoughts out now. Its cathartic and therapeutic at the same time.
I know I am not the first woman to go through peri-menopause or the first person to experience Depression and not the first or last to go vegan. I am not writing this to elicit sympathy. I sharing my journey in the hopes that it will help me navigate unfamiliar territory and if I help one person along the way it will make this all worthwhile. So I will bearing my soul at times and revealing my weaknesses, but I hope it will not be in vain.
Right now my son is staying at his dad's house 7 hours away and my daughter is living with her boyfriend near her dad's as well. I don't like it. I miss them like crazy. I am adjusting to the freedom I have without young children at home but I would give it up in a heartbeat to have them with me. My daughter had sugery on both of her hips after injuring them in MARINE boot camp -- hell yeah my daugher is a Unites States MARINE ooh-rah & Semper Fi &:) After she was jerked around for a year by Navy medical she was released - she fought like hell to stay in - and had the surgery done. I wish I could've been there for her. I still wish I could be.
I am at the mercy of my job. I am far from living up to my potential and staying in a horrible dead end low paying call center job. Depression is a sneaky condition. While you may not be crying or suicidal it robs you of your life as you were meant to be. You exist but that's it. Every day is a struggle to achieve or do more than just get through your day. So instead of taking the steps to either go back to school or apply for other jobs, you wake up, go to work, come home, and collapse. Every day. The weekends come and go and unless there are any planned activities that you do not talk yourself out of doing, you do nothing. As much as you want to do things or see people Depression creates a shield that forces you to do nothing. No one likes being this way. We know what we need to do - having people tell us to snap out of it or get your act together does not help us any more thantelling an over weight person they are fat and need to lose weight. We KNOW how we are. We KNOW what we need to do. We just don't have the will. Like a Diabetic doesn't have the insulin to process their sugar - we don't have to will to get things accomplished without a lot of struggle. If a person has a fever or a broken leg it's expected they need to rest and to heal -- if a person is depressed there are a whole new set of expectations for them although their condition is just as debilitating.
Okay enough coming off like I am looking for pity. I am not. I really am not. I don't want Depression to define me. I want to do things in spite of it not miss out because of it.
I cannot believe that my son has been in and out of the Navy for a four year enlistement. And he'll be going to Army bootcamp in June. He also has baby on the way. His girlfriend is due in October. I cannot express how happy and thrilled I am. The kids have always know I have wanted grandchildren. I wish they were married or at least living together and ideally living near me. But I know it will all work out -- or at least it better.
So with Moe the cat beside me and "Supernatural" now over, I am going to say good night.
No comments:
Post a Comment