Down With the Sickness

Women, as a rule, are the relationship builders and nurturers so we try hard to make things work.  It's extremely difficult to do that when those around us do not appreciate what we do or are so miserable that they resent any one's happiness.  Love for a person is being happy and supportive for the other - not resentful.

I know this because I have been on both sides of  controlling, co-dependent relationships.  It wasn't until years later of much reading, journaling, and soul-searching that I realized the most freeing thing a person can do is let go.  The more we cling and try to control people, the less control we actually have.  Love does not equal jealousy and insecurity.  Once upon a time I thought that the more jealous someone was of me, the more they cared.  No, that just means they're douche. 

Depression was like a silent saboteur in my relationships.  Sleep has always been my drug of choice when Depression sneaks up on me.  It's also one of the first signs to indicate that I am going into a spiral down.  I would take a nap late in the day and sleep through the time I would suppose to be going out, waking up and texting some excuse about not feeling well.  I guess they would put up with it because they knew I wasn't going out with other guys. It also caused me to flake out at times when my children would visit.  I am always so excited whenever the kids would come into town, but sometimes I would just shut down.  Or I would be depressed before their visit and not having the trailer looking it's best and actually wished their trip would be postponed.  What is wrong with that?? Luckily, the kids and I muddled through. Depression has caused many wasted times and relationships.

I hate revising, but I know I am going to have to get working my previous posts.  Please bear with the poor writing and lackluster content.  Some days my humor shows through and others it's dull and decides to hide.  I wasn't going to write today since my daughter and her friend have been down and I just haven't wanted to write, but I forced myself to.  And it shows.  I feel like I can convey my tone in my writing and I can sense some one's tone in their email or text.  Or maybe I'm just crazy.

Only Time Will Tell

Today was a decent day for a Monday.  My period started yesterday.  I thought it was going to be much later like the two weeks in January, but it was only three days.  It's weird how I can be so hormonal, sleepy, hungry, stabby in the days or weeks prior, then all of sudden it disappears when I start.  This month I know I am going to start the progesterone cream on time.  i'm not taking any chances or experimenting this month. 

I went the grocery store and picked up some food.  I got some fruits, vegetables, pasta, & beans.  I am going to see if not eating tomatoes and potatoes will help feeling better with the aches and pains.  Potatoes (not sweet potatoes though), tomatoes, and eggplant are from the nightshade family and are supposed to cause inflammation and should be eaten in moderation.  Of course, most everything I like has tomatoes and potatoes in it.  But, most every thing I like has dairy and eggs in it too and I'm dealing with that.  So, I am going tomato and potato free for a bit to see if it makes a difference, then add them back in one-at-a-time. 

My main problem and challenge with the vegan diet isn't necessarily going without the meat and all as much as the availability of vegan-friendly foods.  It seems like almost everything contains milk/milk by-products or eggs/egg by-products.  As far as processed foods go, that is.  I am trying to eliminate them though, too.  My system doesn't handle them as well as it used to.  It's just taking a lot more planning and getting used to.  It's not that it's difficult - just different.

One Things Leads to Another

Howdy again from the mobile estates.  It's a rainy, dreary day and usually a day taylor made for a sinus headache and day of wallowing in depression and sleeping the day away.  Now, I haven't gotten much done in the way of cleaning, and I did sleep in late, but I am in a good mood and am headache free.  I talked with Mom earlier.  It's funny about moms - they can lift you up and be your best supporter -- or dash your hopes with a single word.  I have always tried to be my children's biggest support - no matter what they dream of, want to do, want to be.  No matter how outlandish or farfetched.  I figure the world will do the dashing and slashing of they're dreams, but I'm not.  My mom has always been there for me.  She is one of my strongest supporters and would help me out no matter what I want to do if she feels I am genuinely serious about it.  She is a realist and sometimes says things that I used to take the wrong way.  Then I realized she just wants me to be realistic about things as well.  She doesn't do it to discourage, just to make sure I do not enter into anything blindly.  I do hang up with her feeling much better about things and more able to cope.  I know she gets frustrated with me when I make the same mistakes and choices over and over again.  My son is like me  in that respect and I wish I could make him see it too.  But, he will.  In his own time.  I can be there for him and help dust him off or give him a kick when needed.  But he must realize things his ownself, in his own time.  I didn't listen to my parents either.  I mean, what did they know?  My daughter is like me in some respects too, but she is more like my mom that she balances her dreams with reality.  I think she has high expectations of herself and that's a good thing, but she needs to ease up and just heal and relax right now.  I love her and am so proud of what she has endured of the past few years.  Hell, I am so proud of both of the kids for what they've accomplished.  

Mom has completed a lot of genealogical research.  She has discovered a lot of interesting things and people we are related to.  The latest is that we have actual, real Texas Rangers in the family line.  Cool huh? 

I went to the birthday cookout for a friend of mine last night.  It was a nice night.  I drank a few apple cider beers.  They are really good and didn't cause acid reflux.  It's bad when I can't drink due to stomach ailments.  It was really good catching up with people I hadn't seen in a bit.  And meeting and making new friends.  I also got some information on applying to the shipyard.  Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing if I got a decent job with good pay?  It really really would.  More than anyone could ever know. 

Moe is lying beside me and I'm watching "being human" - the US version from Netflix.  It's good.  I've seen the UK version, and I didn't know if I would like the US one or not.  But I really do.  I need to get the dishes done, even if that's all I get done today.  And I will.  Soon.

Gypsy Road

I slept in today - or rather woke up for a bit, then I turned over and fell back asleep.  I don't like sleeping in too late because I feel fuzzy-headed and lazy.  My friend and I had postponed thrifting due to money.  Yep, I'm so poor I can't window shop at a thrift store.  I didn't meet up with my other friend because I slept too late.  But, she was okay with it since she was struck with the cleaning bug.  I was too, so it hasn't been a wasted day.  My other friend's birthday cookout was moved up from 6pm to 3pm but I'm still cleaning.  So I'll be there, just getting there a little later.  Other people said they'll be arriving later as well, so it's all good.

My period was due yesterday and I still haven't started.  I put the progestrone cream on again this morning and it really helps.  If I put it on morning and night twelve days after my period starts and continue with it until my period starts, it really does help with my moods.  It may not seem like it, but I would be arrested for assault, battery, and/or homicide if I wasn't on it.  Seriously. 

Have to get back to cleaning since it's such a fleeting moment.

Back in the Saddle

I got pictures of my grandbaby!! The little tiny being that is my grandbaby!  My son's girlfriend emailed me two ultrasound pictures of the tiny precious little baby.  My wonderful, beautiful grandbaby.  I cried of course.  I want to tell the world.  I want to buy things.  I'm already planning things.  I love the baby so much!

My daughter and her friend will be here in just a couple of weeks - beachy, drinky, girl time.

Unless wheat bread has milk or eggs in it, I have eaten all vegan, all day.  I am really trying to stick with it.  When I weighed myself this morning I was down a couple of pounds since I've gone back to mostly vegan since my fall off the chuckwagon.  It feels good.  I feel good when I eat right.

I got to leave work early today since the work was low and I passed a call.  Yay for me. Woo.  For passing my call I got a balloon and a Kit Kat bar.  We haven't had a raise in 5 years, but we get a freakin' balloon and candy bar.  And I wish the people who say "at least you have a job" would kiss my ass because I make barely enough to cover my expenses - especially due to gas prices and food - but too much to qualify for assistance.  Bitter? Me? Hell yeah.  But since I've started this blog I feel a little better about things.  I feel my creative side emerging once again.  I feel hope.

Back to Bein' Me

Good evening again from my mobile home on wheels.  One of my favorite shows is on tonight "The Vampire Diaires."   I watch it for the storyline, a few good looking guys, and the women on the show help motivate me to want to lose weight.  Speaking of which, leads me to the subject of walking again. 

Walking truly does cure most anything.  It eases depression & menopausal symptoms, provides more energy, promotes weightloss, just generally makes me feel better.  And right now is the perfect time to walk.  The weather is mild and if it does rain I can walk at the gym.  So, why am I not?  Well, I have a boo-boo on the inside of my thigh.  Not sure what caused it, but it hurts like hell.  It's getting better but it's still a bump that gets irritated since my legs rub together at the top.  Did I say sexy? Oh yeah, that's me.  But, until it goes away completely I am benched.  Not only because it hurts, but I don't want it irritated anymore.  Once it's gone though, I'm hitting the trail, or the gym and losing this weight!

Today I had a baloney sandwich.  Well, tofu bologna.  I put mustard on it and it was good.  If you like baloney you will like Tofutti bologna.  I also had raisin bread made with sprouted grain bread with Tofutti cream cheese and it was good, too.  The tofu cream cheese was tangy like Philly cream cheese.  I had some fruit and some tortilla chips.  Dinner was lazy -- brown rice and then strawberries.  I would have eaten all vegan today but I had some raspberry M&M's.  I needed some chocolate and I had some left.  I'm over them now though. But I never tire of chocolate.  Never.

I hope my grandbaby will be born here -- preferably in a hospital near me.  Or at least not by my ex-husband and his wife.  Not that I have anything against them, but I have always wanted grandkids. Always.  I just want to know as soon as possible, but I doubt anything will be decided for sure until after my son is out of boot camp and school in August.  I just have to wait and patience is not my virtue.

The weekends are entirely too short and I have been blessed with several friends.  And I actually have activities - and I didn't even to build bunk beds to make more room for them.  I have a couple of dilemmas as I had planned to go thrifting with one friend but forgot about a standing appointment with another.  Then there is a workshop I want to attend that would help my writing that I forgot about at 2:30.  Another friend's cookout is that evening, but there is no conflict with that.  I am not sure how I am going to do them all.  Something's gonna have to give.  If I can thrift the next Saturday that would be better. 

And to get the cleaning done.  I am like Pig Pen from Peanuts.  I attract clutter wherever I go.  And it's so hard to keep up with it while I'm aching & paining and going through bouts of depression.  I am trying though.  I am slowly learning to work through all the obstacles I encounter.  It's not ideal but it's doable.  And the reward is a fresh, clean living space.

I just want to have a clean place to live, writing like I used to, fun times with my friends and family -- I just want to find myself again.  She's a pretty cool chick and I miss her.

Time to settle in and watch my show.  Then shower and tea, Moe, heating pad and "being human." 

Time for Me to Fly

Good evening from my house on wheels.  I went by a health food store after work and picked up some vegan basics - veganaise, sour cream, & cream cheese along with some brown rice syrup and some other things.  I fell off the chuckwagon but i'm getting back on.  No processed foods, white sugar, high fructose corn syrup, meat, dairy, & eggs.  Sounds tasteless and impossible - but I am rising to the challenge and determined to make tasty vegan foods.  A dish I made that turned out real good is a black beans, sweet corn, and salsa - heat till warm.  I used it as a dip with tortilla chips and it was delicious.  I also ate it as a chili.  I am going to make it again and top it with my tofutti sour cream.  I also got some sprouted grains raisin bread and I'm going to toast it and top it with tofutti cream cheese.  My quest is to develop a vegan egg salad.  I'll probably work on that this weekend. 

I have been coming home tired and headachey all week so far.  My period is due Friday, but the way my PMS has been I'm wondering if I am going to be late again.  I am never late and more often early, so when I was two weeks late in January that's what got me started researching all things menopausal.  I have been stabby, a little murdery, weepy, agitated, ravenous, tired,  headachey, and just out of sorts in general last week and again this week.  The progesterone cream really helps and when I eat right that helps too.  That's why I got the the foods I did so I get back on the vegan chuckwagon.

My son's girlfriend said she will send me pictures of the baby and her with her baby bump.  I want to bring photos of her, ultrasound pics of my grandbaby, and the kids to work. 

Anxiety.  Anxious.  I've been having mini panic attacks today.  Nothing major and when I start breathing hard I calm myself down before I start hyperventillating.  My dinner was brown rice.  Calming carbs.  And vegan.  So it physically and mentally heals me.  I don't feel guilty because I'm not eating meat and the rice comforts me.  I'll be taking my generic Proac as well.  I picked up some herbal tea.  Tea is so cozy.  I like drinking hot tea even in the summer.

This weekend I am going thrifting with a friend of mine.  We're going to start the day off with coffee then go hunting.  Then later is another friend's birthday cookout.  I'm glad to have some things to do and to go to.  I hope it keeps me out of my depression. 

What would I love to do?  Ideally, write and live in the country.  So, instead of going back to school for nutrition I believe I am going to take the same amount of time and write.  Revise my books I have started and submit them.  I hate revising.  It sucks.  One of the best feelings is having the ideas pop in my head and I am able to keep writing.  It doesn't feel like work and the words just flow.  Once I have the ideas down, though, it becomes work and it's not fun anymore.  I just realized though, that revising is still better than the work I do now.  So....I should work at my writing so I can leave the crappy call center job I have now.  And if healthcare reform happens I can go somewhere else too because I do not have to stay for the healthcare benefits.  The benefits are almost non-existent so I am creating a new resume so I can start looking elsewhere. 

Walking.  It would cure a lot of what ails me, so why am I not doing it? I actually enjoy it.  I like walking at the trail.  I also can tan if I walk the treadmill at gym.  So why I am so reluctant? I do not know.  Lack of energy? But I would gain more energy if I started walking.  I have to get my behind in gear and do it.  I will.  Soon.  I have gained all my ugly, jiggly weight back.  I look puffy in pictures.  If I start walking now I will have my weight off by Halloween.  I WILL go to a Halloween party or event dressed up this year! - 80's style.

I am going to make some of my new tea, put the American version (I've seen the British one) of "being human" dvd in, lie on the heating pad, and cuddle with Moe the cat.   My shoulder has been achey this week as well so the heating pad and meds will definitely help.    I am learning more about herbs though so eventually I'll be able to use herbs instead of pills.

I'm going to watch CSI first though.  I really like Ted Danson's character.  He plays a caring and fair boss, family man, and dad.