Today was a decent day for a Monday. My period started yesterday. I thought it was going to be much later like the two weeks in January, but it was only three days. It's weird how I can be so hormonal, sleepy, hungry, stabby in the days or weeks prior, then all of sudden it disappears when I start. This month I know I am going to start the progesterone cream on time. i'm not taking any chances or experimenting this month.
I went the grocery store and picked up some food. I got some fruits, vegetables, pasta, & beans. I am going to see if not eating tomatoes and potatoes will help feeling better with the aches and pains. Potatoes (not sweet potatoes though), tomatoes, and eggplant are from the nightshade family and are supposed to cause inflammation and should be eaten in moderation. Of course, most everything I like has tomatoes and potatoes in it. But, most every thing I like has dairy and eggs in it too and I'm dealing with that. So, I am going tomato and potato free for a bit to see if it makes a difference, then add them back in one-at-a-time.
My main problem and challenge with the vegan diet isn't necessarily going without the meat and all as much as the availability of vegan-friendly foods. It seems like almost everything contains milk/milk by-products or eggs/egg by-products. As far as processed foods go, that is. I am trying to eliminate them though, too. My system doesn't handle them as well as it used to. It's just taking a lot more planning and getting used to. It's not that it's difficult - just different.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
One Things Leads to Another
Howdy again from the mobile estates. It's a rainy, dreary day and usually a day taylor made for a sinus headache and day of wallowing in depression and sleeping the day away. Now, I haven't gotten much done in the way of cleaning, and I did sleep in late, but I am in a good mood and am headache free. I talked with Mom earlier. It's funny about moms - they can lift you up and be your best supporter -- or dash your hopes with a single word. I have always tried to be my children's biggest support - no matter what they dream of, want to do, want to be. No matter how outlandish or farfetched. I figure the world will do the dashing and slashing of they're dreams, but I'm not. My mom has always been there for me. She is one of my strongest supporters and would help me out no matter what I want to do if she feels I am genuinely serious about it. She is a realist and sometimes says things that I used to take the wrong way. Then I realized she just wants me to be realistic about things as well. She doesn't do it to discourage, just to make sure I do not enter into anything blindly. I do hang up with her feeling much better about things and more able to cope. I know she gets frustrated with me when I make the same mistakes and choices over and over again. My son is like me in that respect and I wish I could make him see it too. But, he will. In his own time. I can be there for him and help dust him off or give him a kick when needed. But he must realize things his ownself, in his own time. I didn't listen to my parents either. I mean, what did they know? My daughter is like me in some respects too, but she is more like my mom that she balances her dreams with reality. I think she has high expectations of herself and that's a good thing, but she needs to ease up and just heal and relax right now. I love her and am so proud of what she has endured of the past few years. Hell, I am so proud of both of the kids for what they've accomplished.
Mom has completed a lot of genealogical research. She has discovered a lot of interesting things and people we are related to. The latest is that we have actual, real Texas Rangers in the family line. Cool huh?
I went to the birthday cookout for a friend of mine last night. It was a nice night. I drank a few apple cider beers. They are really good and didn't cause acid reflux. It's bad when I can't drink due to stomach ailments. It was really good catching up with people I hadn't seen in a bit. And meeting and making new friends. I also got some information on applying to the shipyard. Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing if I got a decent job with good pay? It really really would. More than anyone could ever know.
Moe is lying beside me and I'm watching "being human" - the US version from Netflix. It's good. I've seen the UK version, and I didn't know if I would like the US one or not. But I really do. I need to get the dishes done, even if that's all I get done today. And I will. Soon.
Mom has completed a lot of genealogical research. She has discovered a lot of interesting things and people we are related to. The latest is that we have actual, real Texas Rangers in the family line. Cool huh?
I went to the birthday cookout for a friend of mine last night. It was a nice night. I drank a few apple cider beers. They are really good and didn't cause acid reflux. It's bad when I can't drink due to stomach ailments. It was really good catching up with people I hadn't seen in a bit. And meeting and making new friends. I also got some information on applying to the shipyard. Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing if I got a decent job with good pay? It really really would. More than anyone could ever know.
Moe is lying beside me and I'm watching "being human" - the US version from Netflix. It's good. I've seen the UK version, and I didn't know if I would like the US one or not. But I really do. I need to get the dishes done, even if that's all I get done today. And I will. Soon.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Gypsy Road
I slept in today - or rather woke up for a bit, then I turned over and fell back asleep. I don't like sleeping in too late because I feel fuzzy-headed and lazy. My friend and I had postponed thrifting due to money. Yep, I'm so poor I can't window shop at a thrift store. I didn't meet up with my other friend because I slept too late. But, she was okay with it since she was struck with the cleaning bug. I was too, so it hasn't been a wasted day. My other friend's birthday cookout was moved up from 6pm to 3pm but I'm still cleaning. So I'll be there, just getting there a little later. Other people said they'll be arriving later as well, so it's all good.
My period was due yesterday and I still haven't started. I put the progestrone cream on again this morning and it really helps. If I put it on morning and night twelve days after my period starts and continue with it until my period starts, it really does help with my moods. It may not seem like it, but I would be arrested for assault, battery, and/or homicide if I wasn't on it. Seriously.
Have to get back to cleaning since it's such a fleeting moment.
My period was due yesterday and I still haven't started. I put the progestrone cream on again this morning and it really helps. If I put it on morning and night twelve days after my period starts and continue with it until my period starts, it really does help with my moods. It may not seem like it, but I would be arrested for assault, battery, and/or homicide if I wasn't on it. Seriously.
Have to get back to cleaning since it's such a fleeting moment.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Back in the Saddle
I got pictures of my grandbaby!! The little tiny being that is my grandbaby! My son's girlfriend emailed me two ultrasound pictures of the tiny precious little baby. My wonderful, beautiful grandbaby. I cried of course. I want to tell the world. I want to buy things. I'm already planning things. I love the baby so much!
My daughter and her friend will be here in just a couple of weeks - beachy, drinky, girl time.
Unless wheat bread has milk or eggs in it, I have eaten all vegan, all day. I am really trying to stick with it. When I weighed myself this morning I was down a couple of pounds since I've gone back to mostly vegan since my fall off the chuckwagon. It feels good. I feel good when I eat right.
I got to leave work early today since the work was low and I passed a call. Yay for me. Woo. For passing my call I got a balloon and a Kit Kat bar. We haven't had a raise in 5 years, but we get a freakin' balloon and candy bar. And I wish the people who say "at least you have a job" would kiss my ass because I make barely enough to cover my expenses - especially due to gas prices and food - but too much to qualify for assistance. Bitter? Me? Hell yeah. But since I've started this blog I feel a little better about things. I feel my creative side emerging once again. I feel hope.
My daughter and her friend will be here in just a couple of weeks - beachy, drinky, girl time.
Unless wheat bread has milk or eggs in it, I have eaten all vegan, all day. I am really trying to stick with it. When I weighed myself this morning I was down a couple of pounds since I've gone back to mostly vegan since my fall off the chuckwagon. It feels good. I feel good when I eat right.
I got to leave work early today since the work was low and I passed a call. Yay for me. Woo. For passing my call I got a balloon and a Kit Kat bar. We haven't had a raise in 5 years, but we get a freakin' balloon and candy bar. And I wish the people who say "at least you have a job" would kiss my ass because I make barely enough to cover my expenses - especially due to gas prices and food - but too much to qualify for assistance. Bitter? Me? Hell yeah. But since I've started this blog I feel a little better about things. I feel my creative side emerging once again. I feel hope.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Back to Bein' Me
Good evening again from my mobile home on wheels. One of my favorite shows is on tonight "The Vampire Diaires." I watch it for the storyline, a few good looking guys, and the women on the show help motivate me to want to lose weight. Speaking of which, leads me to the subject of walking again.
Walking truly does cure most anything. It eases depression & menopausal symptoms, provides more energy, promotes weightloss, just generally makes me feel better. And right now is the perfect time to walk. The weather is mild and if it does rain I can walk at the gym. So, why am I not? Well, I have a boo-boo on the inside of my thigh. Not sure what caused it, but it hurts like hell. It's getting better but it's still a bump that gets irritated since my legs rub together at the top. Did I say sexy? Oh yeah, that's me. But, until it goes away completely I am benched. Not only because it hurts, but I don't want it irritated anymore. Once it's gone though, I'm hitting the trail, or the gym and losing this weight!
Today I had a baloney sandwich. Well, tofu bologna. I put mustard on it and it was good. If you like baloney you will like Tofutti bologna. I also had raisin bread made with sprouted grain bread with Tofutti cream cheese and it was good, too. The tofu cream cheese was tangy like Philly cream cheese. I had some fruit and some tortilla chips. Dinner was lazy -- brown rice and then strawberries. I would have eaten all vegan today but I had some raspberry M&M's. I needed some chocolate and I had some left. I'm over them now though. But I never tire of chocolate. Never.
I hope my grandbaby will be born here -- preferably in a hospital near me. Or at least not by my ex-husband and his wife. Not that I have anything against them, but I have always wanted grandkids. Always. I just want to know as soon as possible, but I doubt anything will be decided for sure until after my son is out of boot camp and school in August. I just have to wait and patience is not my virtue.
The weekends are entirely too short and I have been blessed with several friends. And I actually have activities - and I didn't even to build bunk beds to make more room for them. I have a couple of dilemmas as I had planned to go thrifting with one friend but forgot about a standing appointment with another. Then there is a workshop I want to attend that would help my writing that I forgot about at 2:30. Another friend's cookout is that evening, but there is no conflict with that. I am not sure how I am going to do them all. Something's gonna have to give. If I can thrift the next Saturday that would be better.
And to get the cleaning done. I am like Pig Pen from Peanuts. I attract clutter wherever I go. And it's so hard to keep up with it while I'm aching & paining and going through bouts of depression. I am trying though. I am slowly learning to work through all the obstacles I encounter. It's not ideal but it's doable. And the reward is a fresh, clean living space.
I just want to have a clean place to live, writing like I used to, fun times with my friends and family -- I just want to find myself again. She's a pretty cool chick and I miss her.
Time to settle in and watch my show. Then shower and tea, Moe, heating pad and "being human."
Walking truly does cure most anything. It eases depression & menopausal symptoms, provides more energy, promotes weightloss, just generally makes me feel better. And right now is the perfect time to walk. The weather is mild and if it does rain I can walk at the gym. So, why am I not? Well, I have a boo-boo on the inside of my thigh. Not sure what caused it, but it hurts like hell. It's getting better but it's still a bump that gets irritated since my legs rub together at the top. Did I say sexy? Oh yeah, that's me. But, until it goes away completely I am benched. Not only because it hurts, but I don't want it irritated anymore. Once it's gone though, I'm hitting the trail, or the gym and losing this weight!
Today I had a baloney sandwich. Well, tofu bologna. I put mustard on it and it was good. If you like baloney you will like Tofutti bologna. I also had raisin bread made with sprouted grain bread with Tofutti cream cheese and it was good, too. The tofu cream cheese was tangy like Philly cream cheese. I had some fruit and some tortilla chips. Dinner was lazy -- brown rice and then strawberries. I would have eaten all vegan today but I had some raspberry M&M's. I needed some chocolate and I had some left. I'm over them now though. But I never tire of chocolate. Never.
I hope my grandbaby will be born here -- preferably in a hospital near me. Or at least not by my ex-husband and his wife. Not that I have anything against them, but I have always wanted grandkids. Always. I just want to know as soon as possible, but I doubt anything will be decided for sure until after my son is out of boot camp and school in August. I just have to wait and patience is not my virtue.
The weekends are entirely too short and I have been blessed with several friends. And I actually have activities - and I didn't even to build bunk beds to make more room for them. I have a couple of dilemmas as I had planned to go thrifting with one friend but forgot about a standing appointment with another. Then there is a workshop I want to attend that would help my writing that I forgot about at 2:30. Another friend's cookout is that evening, but there is no conflict with that. I am not sure how I am going to do them all. Something's gonna have to give. If I can thrift the next Saturday that would be better.
And to get the cleaning done. I am like Pig Pen from Peanuts. I attract clutter wherever I go. And it's so hard to keep up with it while I'm aching & paining and going through bouts of depression. I am trying though. I am slowly learning to work through all the obstacles I encounter. It's not ideal but it's doable. And the reward is a fresh, clean living space.
I just want to have a clean place to live, writing like I used to, fun times with my friends and family -- I just want to find myself again. She's a pretty cool chick and I miss her.
Time to settle in and watch my show. Then shower and tea, Moe, heating pad and "being human."
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Time for Me to Fly
Good evening from my house on wheels. I went by a health food store after work and picked up some vegan basics - veganaise, sour cream, & cream cheese along with some brown rice syrup and some other things. I fell off the chuckwagon but i'm getting back on. No processed foods, white sugar, high fructose corn syrup, meat, dairy, & eggs. Sounds tasteless and impossible - but I am rising to the challenge and determined to make tasty vegan foods. A dish I made that turned out real good is a black beans, sweet corn, and salsa - heat till warm. I used it as a dip with tortilla chips and it was delicious. I also ate it as a chili. I am going to make it again and top it with my tofutti sour cream. I also got some sprouted grains raisin bread and I'm going to toast it and top it with tofutti cream cheese. My quest is to develop a vegan egg salad. I'll probably work on that this weekend.
I have been coming home tired and headachey all week so far. My period is due Friday, but the way my PMS has been I'm wondering if I am going to be late again. I am never late and more often early, so when I was two weeks late in January that's what got me started researching all things menopausal. I have been stabby, a little murdery, weepy, agitated, ravenous, tired, headachey, and just out of sorts in general last week and again this week. The progesterone cream really helps and when I eat right that helps too. That's why I got the the foods I did so I get back on the vegan chuckwagon.
My son's girlfriend said she will send me pictures of the baby and her with her baby bump. I want to bring photos of her, ultrasound pics of my grandbaby, and the kids to work.
Anxiety. Anxious. I've been having mini panic attacks today. Nothing major and when I start breathing hard I calm myself down before I start hyperventillating. My dinner was brown rice. Calming carbs. And vegan. So it physically and mentally heals me. I don't feel guilty because I'm not eating meat and the rice comforts me. I'll be taking my generic Proac as well. I picked up some herbal tea. Tea is so cozy. I like drinking hot tea even in the summer.
This weekend I am going thrifting with a friend of mine. We're going to start the day off with coffee then go hunting. Then later is another friend's birthday cookout. I'm glad to have some things to do and to go to. I hope it keeps me out of my depression.
What would I love to do? Ideally, write and live in the country. So, instead of going back to school for nutrition I believe I am going to take the same amount of time and write. Revise my books I have started and submit them. I hate revising. It sucks. One of the best feelings is having the ideas pop in my head and I am able to keep writing. It doesn't feel like work and the words just flow. Once I have the ideas down, though, it becomes work and it's not fun anymore. I just realized though, that revising is still better than the work I do now. So....I should work at my writing so I can leave the crappy call center job I have now. And if healthcare reform happens I can go somewhere else too because I do not have to stay for the healthcare benefits. The benefits are almost non-existent so I am creating a new resume so I can start looking elsewhere.
Walking. It would cure a lot of what ails me, so why am I not doing it? I actually enjoy it. I like walking at the trail. I also can tan if I walk the treadmill at gym. So why I am so reluctant? I do not know. Lack of energy? But I would gain more energy if I started walking. I have to get my behind in gear and do it. I will. Soon. I have gained all my ugly, jiggly weight back. I look puffy in pictures. If I start walking now I will have my weight off by Halloween. I WILL go to a Halloween party or event dressed up this year! - 80's style.
I am going to make some of my new tea, put the American version (I've seen the British one) of "being human" dvd in, lie on the heating pad, and cuddle with Moe the cat. My shoulder has been achey this week as well so the heating pad and meds will definitely help. I am learning more about herbs though so eventually I'll be able to use herbs instead of pills.
I'm going to watch CSI first though. I really like Ted Danson's character. He plays a caring and fair boss, family man, and dad.
I have been coming home tired and headachey all week so far. My period is due Friday, but the way my PMS has been I'm wondering if I am going to be late again. I am never late and more often early, so when I was two weeks late in January that's what got me started researching all things menopausal. I have been stabby, a little murdery, weepy, agitated, ravenous, tired, headachey, and just out of sorts in general last week and again this week. The progesterone cream really helps and when I eat right that helps too. That's why I got the the foods I did so I get back on the vegan chuckwagon.
My son's girlfriend said she will send me pictures of the baby and her with her baby bump. I want to bring photos of her, ultrasound pics of my grandbaby, and the kids to work.
Anxiety. Anxious. I've been having mini panic attacks today. Nothing major and when I start breathing hard I calm myself down before I start hyperventillating. My dinner was brown rice. Calming carbs. And vegan. So it physically and mentally heals me. I don't feel guilty because I'm not eating meat and the rice comforts me. I'll be taking my generic Proac as well. I picked up some herbal tea. Tea is so cozy. I like drinking hot tea even in the summer.
This weekend I am going thrifting with a friend of mine. We're going to start the day off with coffee then go hunting. Then later is another friend's birthday cookout. I'm glad to have some things to do and to go to. I hope it keeps me out of my depression.
What would I love to do? Ideally, write and live in the country. So, instead of going back to school for nutrition I believe I am going to take the same amount of time and write. Revise my books I have started and submit them. I hate revising. It sucks. One of the best feelings is having the ideas pop in my head and I am able to keep writing. It doesn't feel like work and the words just flow. Once I have the ideas down, though, it becomes work and it's not fun anymore. I just realized though, that revising is still better than the work I do now. So....I should work at my writing so I can leave the crappy call center job I have now. And if healthcare reform happens I can go somewhere else too because I do not have to stay for the healthcare benefits. The benefits are almost non-existent so I am creating a new resume so I can start looking elsewhere.
Walking. It would cure a lot of what ails me, so why am I not doing it? I actually enjoy it. I like walking at the trail. I also can tan if I walk the treadmill at gym. So why I am so reluctant? I do not know. Lack of energy? But I would gain more energy if I started walking. I have to get my behind in gear and do it. I will. Soon. I have gained all my ugly, jiggly weight back. I look puffy in pictures. If I start walking now I will have my weight off by Halloween. I WILL go to a Halloween party or event dressed up this year! - 80's style.
I am going to make some of my new tea, put the American version (I've seen the British one) of "being human" dvd in, lie on the heating pad, and cuddle with Moe the cat. My shoulder has been achey this week as well so the heating pad and meds will definitely help. I am learning more about herbs though so eventually I'll be able to use herbs instead of pills.
I'm going to watch CSI first though. I really like Ted Danson's character. He plays a caring and fair boss, family man, and dad.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Fight the Good Fight
It's been a little warm the past few days but it's supposed to be cooler for a couple of days then warm up again. I don't care for the hot weather but I do like grilling when it's warm, though. This year I am going to vegan kebabs and grill marinated big portabello mushroom caps. I love steak and steak kebabs and bbq chicken on the grill - I will not lie - but I am going to challenge myself to create tasty substitutions. I actually look forward to it - like Frankenstein creating his monster.
I was majorly PMS'ing yesterday and it's still hanging around a little today. Last week I went through the same thing. I put the progestrone cream on again this morning and will again tonight. I really think it helps. It seems to make my face less angry and eases my mad face. When I get agitated my face scrunches up and I call it my face being mad. I am still hungry - not as bad as yesterday but still hungry. Not really depressed today, just hungry. I don't know what could be the cure for that is except eat, eat, and eat. Ugh!
My skin is also itchy. That's another peri-menopause symptom. Yay. I moisturize my hands and arms all day, but it still itches at times. It's not like a rash or dry skin as much as a warmish sensation or feeling like I'm coming out of skin. Do not know what to do about this yet.
Walking. That will help a lot of things. My weight. My Depression. My general peri-menopausal madness. In 2009 a friend of mine and I walked every day and I lost 40lbs in 4 months and was just a little shy of my goal weight. Nothing stopped me and I was so motivated. Then I stopped when winter hit and over the course of two years have gained it all back. So, I need to get my butt in gear, dig deep, and commit again. My health and sanity depend in it.
My daughter and her friend and my grandpuppy will be here at the beginning of May - yay! I am sooo excited!
My son's girlfriend goes to the doctor this week and I hope to have another picture of my grandbaby! I hope she sends me some of herself as well. I can't wait to have some things settled soon so I can start buying things for the baby. I stopped by the thrift store by work today to get some Corning cookware cheap and I saw a baby sleeping basket. It made the baby seem a little more real. I didn't get it bacause the cover wasn't detachable to wash and I'm not sure when she'll be here. She may be here before the baby but may not -- then it's not sure where they'll be living. I want them here! I just can't wait!
I am still trying out different grandma names. I know that the kids are the ones who usually choose the name, but I want to cool name to sign cards and presents with until that time. Any name ending with an "i" can have a heart or flower or a smiley face or whatever I want to "dot" it with would be nifty. I was going to be Maw Maw like my Maw Maw but decided not to. Maybe Grami - was thinking GiGi but not so much now. Yes, I have thought about this ALOT. My kids know they are just vessels for my grandbabies - they were born so I can have grandchildren.
I was majorly PMS'ing yesterday and it's still hanging around a little today. Last week I went through the same thing. I put the progestrone cream on again this morning and will again tonight. I really think it helps. It seems to make my face less angry and eases my mad face. When I get agitated my face scrunches up and I call it my face being mad. I am still hungry - not as bad as yesterday but still hungry. Not really depressed today, just hungry. I don't know what could be the cure for that is except eat, eat, and eat. Ugh!
My skin is also itchy. That's another peri-menopause symptom. Yay. I moisturize my hands and arms all day, but it still itches at times. It's not like a rash or dry skin as much as a warmish sensation or feeling like I'm coming out of skin. Do not know what to do about this yet.
Walking. That will help a lot of things. My weight. My Depression. My general peri-menopausal madness. In 2009 a friend of mine and I walked every day and I lost 40lbs in 4 months and was just a little shy of my goal weight. Nothing stopped me and I was so motivated. Then I stopped when winter hit and over the course of two years have gained it all back. So, I need to get my butt in gear, dig deep, and commit again. My health and sanity depend in it.
My daughter and her friend and my grandpuppy will be here at the beginning of May - yay! I am sooo excited!
My son's girlfriend goes to the doctor this week and I hope to have another picture of my grandbaby! I hope she sends me some of herself as well. I can't wait to have some things settled soon so I can start buying things for the baby. I stopped by the thrift store by work today to get some Corning cookware cheap and I saw a baby sleeping basket. It made the baby seem a little more real. I didn't get it bacause the cover wasn't detachable to wash and I'm not sure when she'll be here. She may be here before the baby but may not -- then it's not sure where they'll be living. I want them here! I just can't wait!
I am still trying out different grandma names. I know that the kids are the ones who usually choose the name, but I want to cool name to sign cards and presents with until that time. Any name ending with an "i" can have a heart or flower or a smiley face or whatever I want to "dot" it with would be nifty. I was going to be Maw Maw like my Maw Maw but decided not to. Maybe Grami - was thinking GiGi but not so much now. Yes, I have thought about this ALOT. My kids know they are just vessels for my grandbabies - they were born so I can have grandchildren.
Monday, April 16, 2012
The Song Remains the Same
I thought I was major PMS'ing today and I do think that is part of it - but I was starving all day. I think it was more of what I ate - or didn't eat - that was the problem. I went off the chuck wagon - or on the chuck wagon - whatever it's called when a vegan falls off the proverbial wagon and eats meat or other foods I'm not supposed to. I ate a vending machine honey bun for breakfast then a really good bean dip for snacking and lunch. Later I had some sunflower seeds and a banana. No wonder I was hungry! I craved - I mean really-really-don't-get-in-my-way-gotta-have-it craving for Kentucky Fried Chicken Original Recipe. So I ate that for dinner. I feel a little better. A little guilty when I think of the beakless and top heavy cramped chickens, but it was sooo tasty that I have to think really hard about why I went vegan. It started as a way to manage my peri-menopause and weight but ended up being more about the animals and how they are treated. I do not care if people think I'm a hippie weirdo. I honestly don't. So, I remind myself and resolve again to stick to my vegan guns and eat clean tomorrow - starting now. Luckily I have some chocolate soy ice cream that's pretty good that I'll eat for dessert.
Monday's gone - gone with the clock. Well, the Monday workday is. I hate Mondays. I hate mornings. I love weekends and I love staying up late. I am in a constant struggle.
I like the 1960's show "Dragnet" and am enjoying it now on Antenna TV - what I call the poor person's TV Land since it's only available on the converter box that those of us without high def tv's must have to watch television. But, right now I am only watching it because I cannot find the remote.
All day at work I kept envisioning myself curled up at home. I am trying to figure out how I can plan something that will help me do things instead of just going home and collapsing. I feel like I need to get home and regroup, but I just go home and veg.
I give myself credit for another day passing without hurting anybody.
Monday's gone - gone with the clock. Well, the Monday workday is. I hate Mondays. I hate mornings. I love weekends and I love staying up late. I am in a constant struggle.
I like the 1960's show "Dragnet" and am enjoying it now on Antenna TV - what I call the poor person's TV Land since it's only available on the converter box that those of us without high def tv's must have to watch television. But, right now I am only watching it because I cannot find the remote.
All day at work I kept envisioning myself curled up at home. I am trying to figure out how I can plan something that will help me do things instead of just going home and collapsing. I feel like I need to get home and regroup, but I just go home and veg.
I give myself credit for another day passing without hurting anybody.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Stairway to Heaven or the Highway to Hell?
Yesterday my computer wouldn't turn back on. It turned off ok but just would not come back on. Then I received a phone call from Sprint telling me there has been a spike in my internet data usuage and to call them to discuss. I had cancelled my internet at Christmastime to save money but ended up getting it again a couple of months ago. Nothing was said about a change in plans just that this would be better.
I woke up this morning and tried turning on my computer with no luck. So after wallowing a little in the injustice of the whole thing and a little shot Depression, I got a shower and went to Best Buy. It was a very simple fix. It seems there is a glitch with HP computers and it's a simple matter of taking the battery out and holding down the on button, plugging in the laptop then the computer comes on. Wow. I couldn't believe how amingly easy that was.
I went to Sprint next and was told they no longer have the unlimited data plan and that I can't watch movies on my computer because it uses up my data. Sucky suck suck. Grrrrrrrr Sooooo...now I have to look for a new internet provider and probably a new cell phone provider as well because I am not going to be able to pay my Sprint bill in time because it's a few hundred dollars! Grrrrrrr I'll have to go with a pay as you go plan probably for a bit until I can pay it off. No worries though...I will pay it off.
This weekend my Depression could have been a lot worse. I am very proud of myself for getting up and showering and getting my stuff taken care of. Normally I would've wallowed in my depression for the day and put off going to BB or Sprint until tomorrow. For me to actually get out and get it done is major.
My head has been hurting kind of on a low-grade scale this weekend. Sinus, I'm sure. I would also use it as an excuse to lie around and do nothing, but I took care of my laundry and my room yesterday. Not too bad if I say so myself.
I haven't had nighsweats for a bit. After doing some reading I found out nightsweats are due to excess estrogen and I have found they usually occur for me in the first half of my cycle. I was taking Black Cohosh capsules for it and eating soy foods and using soy milk - one of the reasons I started becoming vegan - but found out that Black Cohosh can make you have periods when you normally would have skipped that month. It won't prolong peri-menopause, it just makes you have a period you might've skipped. So I stopped taking it and using soy foods. I hate my period and I am excited to have started peri-menopause and if I could speed it up, I most definitely would.
I use the progestrone cream the last half of my cycle and it seems to help a bit with my mood and agitation. It seemed it was going a little rough last week so I'm wondering if I'm going to be late this month. I'll be glad to be late but not knowing when I'm going to start is a bummer.
I had meat yesterday -- a Wendy's single. A friend of mine and I were meeting some of my friends from work to see a local band. I was starving and just did not feel like trying to figure out what I could eat. I feel guilty of course. I keep seeing a cow's big soft eyes looking at me. I ate a Boston Cream doughnut too. Because it was a Boston Cream doughnut. I'm back on track today, though. I made a delicious dish -- black beans, sweet corn, & salsa and dipped tortilla chips in it. It really was quite tasty. A friend of mine made a delicious tortilla soup and I am going to see how I can veganize it. I also want to experiment and come up with a good egg salad substitute. I've read some recipes but they're not what I want. I'm going to try out a new thing each week and post my experience.
I am not so much in the mood to blog today. I want to keep this up though. I love to write and it feels so good getting back into it. I want to finish the stories I started.
My daughter and her friend will be here in just a few short weeks and I can't wait! I may also go up there for a weekend this summer so her and brother and I can do some touristy things.
Oh, sweet chardonnay is NOT the same as moscato. If you see it, just keep shopping.
It's hot today. I know it's the peri-menopause but it's still hot. I may sleep with my air conditioner on in the bedroom tonight. I tend to stay warm more now and have weird, vivid dreams. When I was pregnant I did the same thing. All the freaky hormones.
Why is the way to doing what's right or what needs to be done so difficult and the easy way is usually the wrong way? The way to heaven is by stairway and the way to hell is speeding down a highway. Why can't it be an Escalator to Heaven and the Pot-Holed Dirt Road to Hell?
I woke up this morning and tried turning on my computer with no luck. So after wallowing a little in the injustice of the whole thing and a little shot Depression, I got a shower and went to Best Buy. It was a very simple fix. It seems there is a glitch with HP computers and it's a simple matter of taking the battery out and holding down the on button, plugging in the laptop then the computer comes on. Wow. I couldn't believe how amingly easy that was.
I went to Sprint next and was told they no longer have the unlimited data plan and that I can't watch movies on my computer because it uses up my data. Sucky suck suck. Grrrrrrrr Sooooo...now I have to look for a new internet provider and probably a new cell phone provider as well because I am not going to be able to pay my Sprint bill in time because it's a few hundred dollars! Grrrrrrr I'll have to go with a pay as you go plan probably for a bit until I can pay it off. No worries though...I will pay it off.
This weekend my Depression could have been a lot worse. I am very proud of myself for getting up and showering and getting my stuff taken care of. Normally I would've wallowed in my depression for the day and put off going to BB or Sprint until tomorrow. For me to actually get out and get it done is major.
My head has been hurting kind of on a low-grade scale this weekend. Sinus, I'm sure. I would also use it as an excuse to lie around and do nothing, but I took care of my laundry and my room yesterday. Not too bad if I say so myself.
I haven't had nighsweats for a bit. After doing some reading I found out nightsweats are due to excess estrogen and I have found they usually occur for me in the first half of my cycle. I was taking Black Cohosh capsules for it and eating soy foods and using soy milk - one of the reasons I started becoming vegan - but found out that Black Cohosh can make you have periods when you normally would have skipped that month. It won't prolong peri-menopause, it just makes you have a period you might've skipped. So I stopped taking it and using soy foods. I hate my period and I am excited to have started peri-menopause and if I could speed it up, I most definitely would.
I use the progestrone cream the last half of my cycle and it seems to help a bit with my mood and agitation. It seemed it was going a little rough last week so I'm wondering if I'm going to be late this month. I'll be glad to be late but not knowing when I'm going to start is a bummer.
I had meat yesterday -- a Wendy's single. A friend of mine and I were meeting some of my friends from work to see a local band. I was starving and just did not feel like trying to figure out what I could eat. I feel guilty of course. I keep seeing a cow's big soft eyes looking at me. I ate a Boston Cream doughnut too. Because it was a Boston Cream doughnut. I'm back on track today, though. I made a delicious dish -- black beans, sweet corn, & salsa and dipped tortilla chips in it. It really was quite tasty. A friend of mine made a delicious tortilla soup and I am going to see how I can veganize it. I also want to experiment and come up with a good egg salad substitute. I've read some recipes but they're not what I want. I'm going to try out a new thing each week and post my experience.
I am not so much in the mood to blog today. I want to keep this up though. I love to write and it feels so good getting back into it. I want to finish the stories I started.
My daughter and her friend will be here in just a few short weeks and I can't wait! I may also go up there for a weekend this summer so her and brother and I can do some touristy things.
Oh, sweet chardonnay is NOT the same as moscato. If you see it, just keep shopping.
It's hot today. I know it's the peri-menopause but it's still hot. I may sleep with my air conditioner on in the bedroom tonight. I tend to stay warm more now and have weird, vivid dreams. When I was pregnant I did the same thing. All the freaky hormones.
Why is the way to doing what's right or what needs to be done so difficult and the easy way is usually the wrong way? The way to heaven is by stairway and the way to hell is speeding down a highway. Why can't it be an Escalator to Heaven and the Pot-Holed Dirt Road to Hell?
Friday, April 13, 2012
Straight from the Heart
I am still feeling mildly stabby - not murdery though, which is a good thing. I have some plant-based progesterone cream I put on my arms or chest on day 12 of my cycle and continue once in the morning and once at night until I start. The depression and the urge toward homicidal tendencies (sounds like a band name) is said to be due to a drop in progesterone in the latter part of a woman's cycle. I started this in February and have used it each month. This month I decided to see if it was working so I did not start on Tuesday as I should have. Big mistake. It really does work because I by the late morning I was feeling really really REALLY agitated and hormonal. I ate a Kit Kat and a Snickers bar. While it helped to calm me some it didn't do the trick. I do not believe my co-workers realize how much I have to force myself to keep myself in check. When I feel this way it is a struggle to just to get through the day. As soon as I got home I put the cream on and I started the morning/night regimen the next day. It took a few days and I feel a little less stabby. So, I will not be discontinuing the cream any time soon.
Depression kicked in as well but subsided with the agitation. In the past I have increased my generic Prozac but I didn't this time. The cream helps with that as well.
I am still following the vegan program. I originally started it because peri-menopause brought with it stomach distress and increased lactose intolerance. Today I stuck with it 100%. Most days I do but I did buy some fried chicken when I was at my lowest on Tuesday. I was craving the chicken so bad. Luckily it was good but not THAT good so I know I can do without. I also bought some vegan Boca vegan burgers and they are actually good. I put them on Everything thin-sliced bagels (which to my delight are vegan) and they are sooo good. I also got Bush's vegetarian beans (which are also vegan) and are really tasty. Chocolate soy ice cream is delicious as well. I have been researching recipes and vegan sustitutes -- I am looking forward to discovering and creating delicious meals.
I am not as focused to write today so it's a little disjointed as I try to include all my thoughts. As time goes on I will revise better and be more organized in my presentation. i just want to get my thoughts out now. Its cathartic and therapeutic at the same time.
I know I am not the first woman to go through peri-menopause or the first person to experience Depression and not the first or last to go vegan. I am not writing this to elicit sympathy. I sharing my journey in the hopes that it will help me navigate unfamiliar territory and if I help one person along the way it will make this all worthwhile. So I will bearing my soul at times and revealing my weaknesses, but I hope it will not be in vain.
Right now my son is staying at his dad's house 7 hours away and my daughter is living with her boyfriend near her dad's as well. I don't like it. I miss them like crazy. I am adjusting to the freedom I have without young children at home but I would give it up in a heartbeat to have them with me. My daughter had sugery on both of her hips after injuring them in MARINE boot camp -- hell yeah my daugher is a Unites States MARINE ooh-rah & Semper Fi &:) After she was jerked around for a year by Navy medical she was released - she fought like hell to stay in - and had the surgery done. I wish I could've been there for her. I still wish I could be.
I am at the mercy of my job. I am far from living up to my potential and staying in a horrible dead end low paying call center job. Depression is a sneaky condition. While you may not be crying or suicidal it robs you of your life as you were meant to be. You exist but that's it. Every day is a struggle to achieve or do more than just get through your day. So instead of taking the steps to either go back to school or apply for other jobs, you wake up, go to work, come home, and collapse. Every day. The weekends come and go and unless there are any planned activities that you do not talk yourself out of doing, you do nothing. As much as you want to do things or see people Depression creates a shield that forces you to do nothing. No one likes being this way. We know what we need to do - having people tell us to snap out of it or get your act together does not help us any more thantelling an over weight person they are fat and need to lose weight. We KNOW how we are. We KNOW what we need to do. We just don't have the will. Like a Diabetic doesn't have the insulin to process their sugar - we don't have to will to get things accomplished without a lot of struggle. If a person has a fever or a broken leg it's expected they need to rest and to heal -- if a person is depressed there are a whole new set of expectations for them although their condition is just as debilitating.
Okay enough coming off like I am looking for pity. I am not. I really am not. I don't want Depression to define me. I want to do things in spite of it not miss out because of it.
I cannot believe that my son has been in and out of the Navy for a four year enlistement. And he'll be going to Army bootcamp in June. He also has baby on the way. His girlfriend is due in October. I cannot express how happy and thrilled I am. The kids have always know I have wanted grandchildren. I wish they were married or at least living together and ideally living near me. But I know it will all work out -- or at least it better.
So with Moe the cat beside me and "Supernatural" now over, I am going to say good night.
Depression kicked in as well but subsided with the agitation. In the past I have increased my generic Prozac but I didn't this time. The cream helps with that as well.
I am still following the vegan program. I originally started it because peri-menopause brought with it stomach distress and increased lactose intolerance. Today I stuck with it 100%. Most days I do but I did buy some fried chicken when I was at my lowest on Tuesday. I was craving the chicken so bad. Luckily it was good but not THAT good so I know I can do without. I also bought some vegan Boca vegan burgers and they are actually good. I put them on Everything thin-sliced bagels (which to my delight are vegan) and they are sooo good. I also got Bush's vegetarian beans (which are also vegan) and are really tasty. Chocolate soy ice cream is delicious as well. I have been researching recipes and vegan sustitutes -- I am looking forward to discovering and creating delicious meals.
I am not as focused to write today so it's a little disjointed as I try to include all my thoughts. As time goes on I will revise better and be more organized in my presentation. i just want to get my thoughts out now. Its cathartic and therapeutic at the same time.
I know I am not the first woman to go through peri-menopause or the first person to experience Depression and not the first or last to go vegan. I am not writing this to elicit sympathy. I sharing my journey in the hopes that it will help me navigate unfamiliar territory and if I help one person along the way it will make this all worthwhile. So I will bearing my soul at times and revealing my weaknesses, but I hope it will not be in vain.
Right now my son is staying at his dad's house 7 hours away and my daughter is living with her boyfriend near her dad's as well. I don't like it. I miss them like crazy. I am adjusting to the freedom I have without young children at home but I would give it up in a heartbeat to have them with me. My daughter had sugery on both of her hips after injuring them in MARINE boot camp -- hell yeah my daugher is a Unites States MARINE ooh-rah & Semper Fi &:) After she was jerked around for a year by Navy medical she was released - she fought like hell to stay in - and had the surgery done. I wish I could've been there for her. I still wish I could be.
I am at the mercy of my job. I am far from living up to my potential and staying in a horrible dead end low paying call center job. Depression is a sneaky condition. While you may not be crying or suicidal it robs you of your life as you were meant to be. You exist but that's it. Every day is a struggle to achieve or do more than just get through your day. So instead of taking the steps to either go back to school or apply for other jobs, you wake up, go to work, come home, and collapse. Every day. The weekends come and go and unless there are any planned activities that you do not talk yourself out of doing, you do nothing. As much as you want to do things or see people Depression creates a shield that forces you to do nothing. No one likes being this way. We know what we need to do - having people tell us to snap out of it or get your act together does not help us any more thantelling an over weight person they are fat and need to lose weight. We KNOW how we are. We KNOW what we need to do. We just don't have the will. Like a Diabetic doesn't have the insulin to process their sugar - we don't have to will to get things accomplished without a lot of struggle. If a person has a fever or a broken leg it's expected they need to rest and to heal -- if a person is depressed there are a whole new set of expectations for them although their condition is just as debilitating.
Okay enough coming off like I am looking for pity. I am not. I really am not. I don't want Depression to define me. I want to do things in spite of it not miss out because of it.
I cannot believe that my son has been in and out of the Navy for a four year enlistement. And he'll be going to Army bootcamp in June. He also has baby on the way. His girlfriend is due in October. I cannot express how happy and thrilled I am. The kids have always know I have wanted grandchildren. I wish they were married or at least living together and ideally living near me. But I know it will all work out -- or at least it better.
So with Moe the cat beside me and "Supernatural" now over, I am going to say good night.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The Long and Winding Road
In just about a month I will be 47 years old. I didn't realize that I have been going through peri-menopause for about two years now -- nightsweats, depression, moodiness, sore breasts, and stomach issues are just the tip of the hormonal iceberg of what I've been experiencing. I didn't even realize I entered the Peri-Menopausal Zone until I was two weeks late with one of my periods at the beginning of the year. During that two week time I was homicidal and wondered what was wrong with me. When I started doing research I realized that I had entered peri-menopause and I was actually relieved to know what was causing all the turmoil.
I have always been lactose-intolerant, but it had really been affecting me on a daily basis. I decided I need to give up dairy. When I read up on dairy substitutes I also got a shocking look into the way dairy cows are treated, then chickens. then the rest of the animals we take for granted to fill our stomachs. I just couldn't stand to eat them anymore or be a part of their suffering so I decided to go vegan. While I still have some leather items that I wear and will continue to wear for financial reasons, I will not be purchasing any more animal products that support their suffering or inhumane way of living. It's actually more humane to eat deer meat than hamburger. The deer are killed quickly while the cows live a horrible and abused life. I do have to add here that I do know someone who raises beef cattle on her farm and her cows are not treated inhumanely at all. My personal issue is the treatment of the animals not necessarily the actual eating of their meat. It may sound hypocritical to hard-core vegans and I do understand why people do not want to eat any animal products whatsoever and I am not as a genreal rule -- but if the animals are raised in a humane and caring manner then i do not have as much of a problem with the consumption of their meat.
I have been thinking about going vegan for some time now but I couldn't bear the thought of living without my diary or eggs or steak or fried chicken or ..... but after reading about the disgusting way these animals are kept, something clicked and I found I could do it rather easily. Easily in theory that is. It's a whole new way of planning meals. And when I go out to eat there is a lot more thought that goes into deciding what I want to eat than just what looks good. I had thought about going vegetarian for awhile but the dairy cows and the chickens who lay eggs are actually treated worse than the ones raised for their meat. So, to me vegan is the only true way to go.
Depression runs in my family and I have been on generic Prozac for about a year and a half now. I need to go back to the doctor to see about adding another medication to help boost my mood. The past several weekends have been mostly me lying around doing nothing. I wish I could say I am just lazy, but it's more than that. Depression is not fun. It sucks the life out of a person. I go thorugh the motions of the day just to come home and collapse. I do not enjoy that. Only someone who has suffered with Depression can even begin to understand.
So, this blog will be me chronicling my adventures, my trials and tribulations into the world of vegan, peri-menpause, and depression. What works, what fails, what helps, what hurts - and in doing so improve my quality of life and maybe help a person or two in the process.
I am in no way an expert, this will be based soley on my personal experiences. Lived out here at my Mobile Estate. With a glass of Moscato.
Also, in addition to the normal craziness that is me I am also learning to be a parent of adult children. I say "learning" because my son is 23 and my daughter is 21 - but they both went into the military right after high school. I have been divorced for 9 years - wow - that long. I've actually been on my own since the end of 1999. So, I've pretty much lived through my children. Probably clung to them mentally more than I should've. But now I am actually appreciating the fact that I do not have any extra responsibilities besides myself and my cat Moe. And a grandbaby on the way. Yes, I will have plenty to write about &:)
I have always been lactose-intolerant, but it had really been affecting me on a daily basis. I decided I need to give up dairy. When I read up on dairy substitutes I also got a shocking look into the way dairy cows are treated, then chickens. then the rest of the animals we take for granted to fill our stomachs. I just couldn't stand to eat them anymore or be a part of their suffering so I decided to go vegan. While I still have some leather items that I wear and will continue to wear for financial reasons, I will not be purchasing any more animal products that support their suffering or inhumane way of living. It's actually more humane to eat deer meat than hamburger. The deer are killed quickly while the cows live a horrible and abused life. I do have to add here that I do know someone who raises beef cattle on her farm and her cows are not treated inhumanely at all. My personal issue is the treatment of the animals not necessarily the actual eating of their meat. It may sound hypocritical to hard-core vegans and I do understand why people do not want to eat any animal products whatsoever and I am not as a genreal rule -- but if the animals are raised in a humane and caring manner then i do not have as much of a problem with the consumption of their meat.
I have been thinking about going vegan for some time now but I couldn't bear the thought of living without my diary or eggs or steak or fried chicken or ..... but after reading about the disgusting way these animals are kept, something clicked and I found I could do it rather easily. Easily in theory that is. It's a whole new way of planning meals. And when I go out to eat there is a lot more thought that goes into deciding what I want to eat than just what looks good. I had thought about going vegetarian for awhile but the dairy cows and the chickens who lay eggs are actually treated worse than the ones raised for their meat. So, to me vegan is the only true way to go.
Depression runs in my family and I have been on generic Prozac for about a year and a half now. I need to go back to the doctor to see about adding another medication to help boost my mood. The past several weekends have been mostly me lying around doing nothing. I wish I could say I am just lazy, but it's more than that. Depression is not fun. It sucks the life out of a person. I go thorugh the motions of the day just to come home and collapse. I do not enjoy that. Only someone who has suffered with Depression can even begin to understand.
So, this blog will be me chronicling my adventures, my trials and tribulations into the world of vegan, peri-menpause, and depression. What works, what fails, what helps, what hurts - and in doing so improve my quality of life and maybe help a person or two in the process.
I am in no way an expert, this will be based soley on my personal experiences. Lived out here at my Mobile Estate. With a glass of Moscato.
Also, in addition to the normal craziness that is me I am also learning to be a parent of adult children. I say "learning" because my son is 23 and my daughter is 21 - but they both went into the military right after high school. I have been divorced for 9 years - wow - that long. I've actually been on my own since the end of 1999. So, I've pretty much lived through my children. Probably clung to them mentally more than I should've. But now I am actually appreciating the fact that I do not have any extra responsibilities besides myself and my cat Moe. And a grandbaby on the way. Yes, I will have plenty to write about &:)
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